I'm not sure what my problem has been lately when I ride. Those I trust the most say it is just that time of year when you are bound to feel out of shape and not great, others tell me my head isn't in it. I tell myself a combination of the two.
I went out today with some friends for a ride that I knew would be a tough one, we had planned to ride some hills and anyone that knows me knows I'm not the greatest hill climber, after all I am a sprinter, power, short bursts of speed, that I can do. I continue to subject myself to the punishment that is climbing in hopes of getting better, to find a love for them or to just get a LITTLE better. I have moments of all of these things but never walk away from a ride like today feeling completely good about the days adventure. I love being on my bike even those moments of pure pain, feeling like crap and being popped from the pack like a bad zit. It is in those moments that I find out who I really am. I find out if I have what it takes to finish out that hill when all I want to do is stop pedaling, stop the slogging through what feels like quick stand, stop the burning, insane throbbing in my legs, just stop. But I don't, I keep on pedaling through the quick sand, push back the pain in my legs and just keep going. This makes me stronger and of course a better rider.
Even though I continue on, the one thing that kept coming in to my head during today's ride was those simple words spoken to me during the ride. "Your head just isn't in to it" Great, how do I get my head back in it? Have I lost that burning desire to not let anyone beat me across the line, to catch back on when dropped of the pack on a hill? Or is it truly just this time of the year? I find myself sitting and spinning a gear that is just a tad more comfortable instead of catching back up, watching my heart rate and not letting it get above where my coach tells me I am supposed to be for the day. Unfortunately doing all of this finds me falling further and further behind those I am riding with . Watching them become smaller and smaller red dots ahead of me.
I don't think I have lost any of my passion for the sport, if I had I wouldn't care that I was dropped or feeling like crap as everyone else seems fine and that is definitely not how I am feeling. Its a deep seeded anger, pain and emotional roller coaster. I find myself hammering even harder on the pedals, pushing that anger through my legs and on to the pedals in hopes of releasing it.
Then the ride is over, I look at my watch and realize....I just rode for over 3 hours, yeah me I did that. I rode over hills, on the flats, over more hills covered in quick sand like mud all while spending time with my friends in this beautiful area we live in. Yeah, I'm the lucky one. I may have had moments of pure anger and pain but I finished it, and have another great experience under my belt. So as I sit here with legs that feel the days workout, I feel a mixed bag of emotions. I am happy for the ability to ride my bike especially in this great city. I am feeling a bit disappointed in parts of my ride today but am also very happy with my ride today. Lets hope all of these head games go away once the racing season starts and then are replaced with the head games that come with racing!
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